Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Of all the challenges that I face as an expat and male trailing spouse there is one that is constantly lingering, that being guilt.  I do not experience guilt all the time but it is one of those things that never vanishes.  The key is learning to handle the guilt properly.

Many expats sense guilt when they leave parents behind.  With my mother being a widow and me being an only child 3000 miles away the guilt can be intense.  One key for handling this guilt is reminding myself that you have to go where the jobs are; we are where we are because of work.  Secondly I call regularly and visit once year.  Posting family activities on social media helps with feeling closer.  It is reassuring that my mom is surrounded by a circle of loving and caring friends.

Guilt attacks me on two fronts as a male trailing spouse.  The first front of attack is that of not being a bread winner.  It can be uncomfortable admitting my wife works and I stay at home.  Having been laid off prior to moving overseas helped us prepare for our current situation.  During my time "off" I have sought to provide income when/where possible, mostly via substitute teaching.  Secondly I have taken on a greater number of domestic duties and responsibilities which has become a blessing considering the extensive number of hours my wife works.  Our approach as a family is that I contribute to the family just not in a traditional role.  We are thankful that I have this opportunity to provide a safe, comfortable and stable home.

There are days when I am tired and stressed out but even my worst days pale in comparison to the stress my wife is under every day.  Here is where I feel guilt virtually every day.  If I am not "working" 100% of the time I feel guilty.  Why should I be able to do fun stuff with our son?  Why should I be able to sit and have a five minute break when I am tired?  Why should I be able to enjoy a relaxing lunch?  Why should I be able to have fun like listening to the radio while working?  Why should I be able to take time to work on my language studies?  Why should I be able to have a leisurely conversation with a fellow volunteer at the school library?  Why should I be able to enjoy the sunshine and nice weather when I go out to run errands?  My wife is the smartest and hardest working person I know and way too often I feel like I am "freeloading."  Of all the guilt I experience this is the most frequent and most convicting.  It may not be the ideal solution but one way I deal with this is to keep myself busy.  I also am always on the lookout for new opportunities to contribute to home, family or community.

The overriding principle in overcoming guilt is that we are a family of faith and we know that we are where God wants us to be.  We are where we are because of prayer, God opening and closing doors and the peace He has brought to our hearts.  God's plans do not always match our plans, but when we obey we will be blessed.  We have to take one day at a time, remind ourselves of why we are here and take advantage of all the opportunities that we have.